30 Terms Everyone Who Has Been Through Narcissistic Abuse Should Know

Ever found yourself lost for words when trying to convey the torment of narcissistic abuse? It's like trying to articulate a nightmare that no one understands unless they have been through it themselves. It is absolutely exhausting, and you feel so alone because you feel so misunderstood, or worse, people think you are the narcissist because the narcissist is smearing your name...

Let's dive into 30 terms anyone who has been through toxic/narcissistic abuse should know. This will help you gain awareness, label the trauma, heal, and better equip you to explain it to someone else.

1. Lying – Narcissists fabricate stories to manipulate.

Example: They deny saying hurtful things, even when confronted with proof, or rewrite past events to make themselves look like the victim.

2. Gaslighting – Making victims question their memories and reality.

Example: “I never said that. You’re imagining things.” Over time, the victim begins doubting their own perceptions, feeling confused and powerless.

3. Projection – Accusing the victim of their own behavior.

Example: A cheating narcissist constantly accuses their partner of infidelity, creating drama to deflect from their own guilt and keep the victim on the defensive.

4. Manipulation – Using guilt, deception, and mind games to control.

Example: They pretend to be the victim, crying after an argument to make you feel guilty—even when they were the one who hurt you.

5. Triangulation – Playing people against each other to maintain control.

Example: “Sarah agrees with me that you’re too sensitive.” They create unnecessary conflicts between friends or family to keep everyone dependent on them for approval.

6. Flying Monkeys – Using others to do their dirty work.

Example: Convincing mutual friends to pressure you into forgiving them, or to spy on you and report back, making it harder to escape their influence.

7. Smear Campaign – Spreading lies to ruin a victim’s reputation.

Example: Telling coworkers that their ex is unstable, dangerous, or mentally ill to isolate them and turn others against them.

8. Character Assassination – Destroying a victim’s credibility through personal attacks.

Example: They portray their ex as “crazy” or “abusive” to new partners, coworkers, or even the victim’s family to gain sympathy and control the narrative.

9. Name Smearing – Publicly defaming someone to maintain dominance.

Example: Posting false accusations online about the victim, knowing it will damage their reputation and make them feel humiliated and alone.

10. Gaslighting by Proxy – Enlisting others to gaslight the victim.

Example: Convincing mutual friends or family members that the victim is paranoid or mentally unstable, reinforcing the gaslighting and making the victim doubt themselves even more.

11. Love Bombing – Overwhelming with affection to create intense attachment.

Example: “You’re my soulmate. I’ve never felt this way before.” They shower you with gifts, affection, and constant attention—only to later use it as leverage for control.

12. Idealization & Devaluation – Idolizing, then tearing the victim down.

Example: One moment, they put you on a pedestal as the perfect partner; the next, they criticize everything about you, leaving you confused and desperate to get back in their good graces.

13. Discarding – Abruptly abandoning the victim once they are no longer useful.

Example: After years together, they suddenly ghost you, move on with someone new, or act as if you never mattered—leaving you blindsided and emotionally shattered.

14. Future Faking – Making false promises to keep control.

Example: “We’ll get married soon,” or “I’ll change, just give me time.” But when pressed for real action, they always have an excuse, keeping you hooked on empty hopes.

15. Hoovering – Luring the victim back with fake remorse or promises.

Example: After months of no contact, they suddenly send a heartfelt message: “I miss you. I can’t live without you.” But as soon as you respond, the manipulation begins again.

16. Verbal Abuse – Insults, criticism, and belittling to break the victim’s confidence.

Example: “You’re worthless. No one else would put up with you.” Over time, these words erode self-esteem, making it harder for the victim to leave.

17. Stonewalling – Refusing to engage in communication to punish or control.

Example: After an argument, they ignore you for days, acting like you don’t exist, making you beg for their attention and question what you did wrong.

18. Circular Conversations – Never-ending, unproductive arguments.

Example: Every discussion turns into the same argument, with no resolution. They constantly change the subject or twist your words, leaving you exhausted and frustrated.

19. Controlling – Micromanaging the victim’s life to maintain dominance.

Example: They dictate what you wear, who you talk to, how you spend money, and even how you think, slowly erasing your independence.

20. Isolation – Cutting the victim off from friends, family, or resources.

Example: “Your family doesn’t really love you like I do.” They discourage you from socializing, making you completely reliant on them for emotional support.

21. Neglect – Withholding emotional, physical, or financial support.

Example: They ignore your feelings, refuse to help when you’re sick, or sabotage your ability to work or maintain stability, making you more dependent on them.

22. Entitlement – Believing they deserve special treatment at others’ expense.

Example: They expect constant admiration and favors but never return the same kindness or effort, acting as if their needs are the only ones that matter.

23. Selective Amnesia – Pretending to forget past events to avoid accountability.

Example: “I don’t remember saying that.” They conveniently forget promises, hurtful words, or abusive actions, making it impossible to hold them accountable.

24. Emotional Burnout – Exhaustion from constant manipulation and stress.

Example: Feeling drained, anxious, and unable to function due to the ongoing emotional rollercoaster, often leading to depression or chronic fatigue.

25. Trauma Bonding – Developing emotional attachment to the abuser.

Example: Despite knowing they’re toxic, you feel an intense bond, making it painful and difficult to leave, as if you need their approval to survive.

26. Cognitive Dissonance – Struggling to reconcile contradictions in the relationship.

Example: “They love me, but why do they hurt me so much?” Victims rationalize the abuse, making excuses to preserve the belief that the narcissist isn’t as bad as they seem.

27. Identity Erosion – Losing one’s sense of self due to control.

Example: You stop wearing certain clothes, speaking your mind, or pursuing hobbies you once loved because they disapprove or ridicule you.

28. Boundary Violation – Ignoring or trampling personal limits.

Example: They read your private messages, show up uninvited, or force intimacy when you say no—disregarding your autonomy entirely.

29. Victim Blaming – Making the victim responsible for the abuse.

Example: “If you weren’t so emotional, I wouldn’t have to yell.” They shift the blame to make the victim feel guilty for their mistreatment.

30. Learned Helplessness – Feeling powerless to leave or change the situation.

Example: “No one else will want me. I have nowhere to go.” Over time, the victim believes they have no control, making them stay despite the pain.

If you can relate to any of these, we are here for you! Like the saying goes, when you've been with a narc, you understand what narc abuse is.