Wives Submit to Your Husband? Husband Submit to Your Wife?

The Truth About Submission in Ephesians 5:21-33

(How It’s Often Misunderstood & What It Really Means)

Ephesians 5:21-33 is one of the most misinterpreted passages of Scripture, especially in the context of marriage and relationships. Many have used it to justify control, abuse, and oppression—especially against wives. However, when read in its full context and in light of Christ’s love, it becomes clear that biblical submission is not about dominance but about mutual self-giving love and it applies to BOTH husband and wife.

1. Submission Begins with Mutuality (Ephesians 5:21)

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

The first verse in this section sets the foundation: submission is mutual. This means that both husbands and wives are called to serve, love, and prioritize each other’s good. Any teaching that isolates verse 22 (“wives, submit to your husbands”) without verse 21 is taking Scripture out of context.

👉 Misunderstanding: Some interpret submission as a wife’s duty to obey her husband unquestioningly.

✅ Biblical truth: Submission is a posture of love, respect, and humility that both spouses are called to, just as Christ served His disciples (John 13:14-15).

🚨 Narcissistic distortion: A narcissistic spouse will twist this verse to demand blind obedience, manipulate with guilt or fear, and use their partner’s faith against them. However, biblical submission is freely given, never coerced.

2. Husbands Are Called to Christlike Love (Ephesians 5:25-28)

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

A husband’s role is not to dominate, but to love his wife sacrificially—just as Christ laid down His life for the Church. Christ’s love is not selfish, abusive, or controlling; it is protective, selfless, and nurturing. Any form of abuse or manipulation is the opposite of this command.

👉 Misunderstanding: Some think submission means a wife must endure mistreatment to “honor” her husband.

✅ Biblical truth: A wife is never called to submit to abuse. A husband who loves as Christ does will never be abusive, controlling, or manipulative. Think about it - is how my spouse treating me how Jesus would treat me?

🚨 Narcissistic abuse twists submission into one-sided control, which contradicts this biblical teaching. A narcissist demands submission but refuses to serve in return.

3. Submission Does Not Mean Silence or Endurance of Abuse

The Bible never tells wives or husbands to submit to sin, mistreatment, or evil. In fact:

• Jesus stood up against oppression (Luke 4:18).

• Paul confronted Peter when he was wrong (Galatians 2:11-14).

• Abigail wisely acted against her abusive husband Nabal to protect her household (1 Samuel 25).

If submission meant blind obedience, then no one would be allowed to stand up against mistreatment. But that is not God’s design.

👉 Misunderstanding: “A good Christian wife/husband should never question or oppose her husband/wife.”

✅ Biblical truth: A godly wife/husband is not a doormat but a partner, with wisdom and dignity (Proverbs 31:25-26). The spouse has the right to set boundaries and seek safety if needed.

🚨 Narcissist: A narcissistic husband/wife, often seeks control, domination, and self-centered power, which is the opposite of Christ’s love. If a man/woman demands submission but does not love sacrificially, they are twisting Scripture to justify abuse.

4. The True Model: Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:29-33)

Paul compares marriage to Christ’s relationship with the Church. Jesus never forces, manipulates, or coerces His Bride (the Church). Instead, He calls the Church to follow Him out of love, not fear. True, godly submission is about trust and love, not power and control.

Final Thought: What If a Husband/Wife Is Not Loving as Christ Does?

If a husband is failing in his role—whether through neglect, selfishness, or abuse—a wife is not required to submit to sin. Likewise, a husband is not called to submit to a wife who is not godly or who leads him away from Christ. True biblical submission is rooted in mutual love and holiness, not control or oppression and is one where both partners lead one another to God.

God values justice (Micah 6:8), protection of the vulnerable (Psalm 82:3-4), and freedom from oppression (Isaiah 61:1). If someone is in an abusive marriage, seeking help, setting boundaries, or even leaving for safety is not a failure to submit—it is an act of wisdom and requires the proper discernment on how best to act.

Discerning a Godly Marriage vs. a Toxic One

A godly marriage reflects Christ’s love—marked by self-sacrifice, mutual respect, and growth in holiness (Ephesians 5:25-28). A husband leads with humility, and a wife responds with trust, creating a relationship built on love, not fear.

A toxic marriage, however, distorts God’s design. If there is manipulation, control, or emotional, spiritual, or physical abuse, this is not biblical headship—it is sin. True love does not demand blind obedience but calls both spouses to honor God and one another.

A husband/wife who truly follows Christ will respect their partners thoughts, feelings, and well-being.

Scripture warns against those who have a form of godliness but deny its power (2 Timothy 3:5). A godly marriage should lead you closer to Christ, not isolate you from Him. If you are unsure, pray for discernment, seek wise counsel, and remember that God desires freedom, not bondage (Galatians 5:1).

🧠 Reflect on the meaning of the passage.

• What does “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (v. 21) mean in a healthy relationship?

• How does Christ’s sacrificial love for the Church contrast with the way a narcissist treats their spouse?

• How have you seen this passage misused to justify control or abuse? How do you think God wants it to be understood?

• What does it mean for a husband to love his wife “as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her” (v. 25)?