Should I Leave a Narcissistic Marriage?
One of the hardest decisions you may face as a Catholic experiencing narcissistic abuse is discerning whether to leave your marriage. Marriage is sacred, but what if the person you vowed to love and honor is harming you emotionally, spiritually, or even physically what are you supposed to do?
We will caveat this by saying take careful discernment and counsel when making this decision so you can ensure you are making the decision that God want's for you and that brings peace.
How Do I Know If I Should Leave a Narcissistic Marriage?
Many faithful Catholics wrestle with these questions:
• Am I breaking my vows if I leave?
• Is God calling me to stay and suffer, or is He calling me to leave for my safety and healing?
• What does the Church say about leaving an abusive marriage?
Let’s walk through this with wisdom from Scripture, the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), and the heart of God.
1. Does God Want Me to Suffer in a Narcissistic Marriage?
The short answer is no. While marriage does involve suffering at times, there’s a significant difference between the sacrifices of love and the destruction caused by abuse. So how do you discern whether your suffering is part of normal marital struggles or if it’s a sign of deeper harm? Let’s unpack this.
Many Catholics in abusive marriages wonder if God is asking them to endure endless pain. But while marriage is a sacred covenant, God never intends for His children to live in fear, oppression, or manipulation.
The Church condemns abuse.
The Catechism upholds the dignity of every human person and firmly opposes any form of abuse:
“The human person… is and ought to be the principle, the subject, and the end of all social institutions.” (CCC 1929)
Marriage is meant to be a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church (Ephesians 5:25), a love that is selfless, nurturing, and life-giving. Abuse, however, is the complete opposite of love—it destroys, controls, and wounds.
If your spouse consistently manipulates, belittles, or exerts power over you in a way that damages your emotional, spiritual, or physical well-being, they make no attempts to reconcile, they manipulate you, they cause conflict without any resolution, this is not the suffering God calls you to bear.
God calls us to peace.
St. Paul makes it clear:
A marriage filled with constant fear, chaos, or control is not aligned with God’s will. If peace is consistently absent due to narcissistic abuse, it may be a sign that God is calling you to step away for your protection and healing.
Separation is not a betrayal of your faith—it can be an act of trust in God’s plan for your safety, dignity, and restoration.
Reflect at the time of marriage - did you feel at peace, or did you have doubts, feel pressured, coerced, or deeply unsure? This may be grounds for annulment that the marriage was never intended.
Do you want to leave but are staying because you are afraid?
Do you want to leave the narcissistic marriage but are staying because you are afraid?
Fear is not from God. Fear of being alone, fear of financial struggle, or fear of judgment can keep you trapped. But God does not lead through fear—He leads through wisdom, clarity, and peace.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
If fear is your only reason for staying, it’s important to seek God’s truth, wise counsel, and support. He will never abandon you, and He will provide a way forward.
2. Is Separation or Divorce Ever Permitted?
Separation for Grave Reasons
The Church recognizes that in cases of grave danger, separation may be necessary:
“If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.” (CCC 2383)
If your spouse’s narcissism has led to emotional, psychological, or physical abuse, the Church acknowledges that separation (and even civil divorce) may be necessary for protection.
Annulments & Narcissistic Marriages
Some narcissistic marriages may have lacked proper consent from the beginning, making them invalid in the eyes of the Church. If your spouse was deceptive, coercive, or emotionally incapable of true self-giving love, an annulment could be a path to both clarity and healing.
Did You Truly Consent to Marriage?
The Church teaches that for a marriage to be valid, both spouses must enter into it freely, with full knowledge and the capacity for self-giving love (CCC 1625-1628). If any of these were missing due to deception, manipulation, or fear, the marriage may not have been sacramentally valid.
Take a moment to reflect on your state of mind when you made your vows:
🔹 Did you feel coerced, overly anxious, or fearful?
🔹 Did you have doubts but felt pressured to go through with it?
🔹 Did you ignore red flags, hoping they would go away?
🔹 Did you sweep major issues under the rug because of fear?
🔹 Were you afraid of shame or family disapproval if you didn’t marry them?
🔹 Were you scared your spouse would hurt you if you refused to marry them?
🔹 Did your family push you into the marriage, even when you had reservations?
🔹 Were you in a state of grace when making your vows or were you physically intimate with your partner prior to marriage, clouding your judgement?
These are important questions to ask when discerning whether your marriage was entered into with true freedom and consent.
An annulment does not mean a marriage “never happened” but rather that a valid sacramental bond was never present. Examining the grounds for annulment in canon law—such as deceit, coercion, or psychological incapacity—can help you discern whether your marriage was ever what God truly intended for you.
If you believe your marriage may have been invalid, seek guidance from a trusted priest or canon lawyer. God desires you to live in truth and peace, not in bondage to a marriage that was built on manipulation or fear.
3. How Do I Discern If God Is Calling Me to Leave?
Here are some key questions to prayerfully consider:
Am I in physical or emotional danger? God does not call you to stay in a situation where your well-being is at risk.
Does my spouse show true repentance and change? Or do they repeatedly manipulate, lie, and refuse accountability?
Have I sought wise counsel? A Catholic therapist or spiritual director can help you see things clearly. ***** It is suggested to first seek counsel independently of your spouse because if they are narcissistic they can manipulate the therapist/spiritual director so that you are not heard or understood.
What do I experience in prayer? Does the Holy Spirit give you peace about leaving? Or is fear and guilt keeping you stuck?
What does the CCC say? “In cases of physical or moral danger to the spouse or the children, this separation is permitted by ecclesiastical law.” (CCC 1629). “If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.” (CCC 2383) “The human person… is and ought to be the principle, the subject, and the end of all social institutions.” (CCC 1929)
Did you Truly consent to marriage? Reflect on the section above about annulment and whether your marriage was ever entered into as a true covenant.
4. Practical Steps if You Discern You Should Leave
Seek Support – Divorcing a narcissist is emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually exhausting. Their manipulation, gaslighting, and legal battles can make the process overwhelming. But do not lose hope—if God is calling you out of this marriage, He will make a way. Trust that He will lead you to safety, provide the support you need, and guide you through this difficult journey. You are not alone, and your healing is possible. Come and join us - several people in our group are navigating this situation currently or have successfully received annulments: https://hello.catholicnarcissistrecovery.com/supportgroup
Gather Information - Divorcing a narcissist is one of the most difficult challenges you will face because they are relentless and have to 'win' at all costs, even to the detriment of you and your kids. It can feel overwhelming, but knowledge is power. Prepare yourself by:
Understanding your finances – Gather records of assets, debts, income, and expenses.
Researching divorce laws – Learn about your legal rights and protections in your state or country.
Consulting professionals – Speak with a lawyer experienced in high-conflict divorces and, if possible, a financial advisor.
Documenting everything – Keep records of abusive incidents, financial transactions, and any coercion or threats.
The more informed and prepared you are, the stronger your position will be. This may be the hardest battle of your life, but you don’t have to fight it alone—equip yourself with wisdom, support, and trust in God’s guidance especially if God wants you to leave He will make it possible.
Ensure Safety – Make a plan, especially if you are at risk. Find a faith-based counselor, support group, or trusted priest who understands both the spiritual and psychological challenges of leaving a narcissistic marriage. Separation from a narcissist requires careful planning, as they often escalate their abuse when they feel a loss of control. Having a safety plan and a strong support system is essential.
Turn to God’s Word – Meditate on Scriptures about freedom and dignity.
Know You’re Not Alone – Many faithful Catholics have walked this road and found healing and peace after divorcing and receiving annulments from narcissitic relationships.
Final Encouragement
Leaving a narcissistic marriage is not a failure—it may be the step God is asking you to take toward healing and freedom. You are not abandoning your faith by seeking protection and peace. If God is calling you to step away, He will lead you every step of the way.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
You are loved. You are not alone. God has a plan for your healing. And take careful time discerning 💙
