How to Deal with Anger After Narcissistic Abuse as a Catholic
The anger I feel towards my narcissistic abuser is taking over my life. I understand anger is a response to injustice but I can't seem to surrender it! I know we are not called to use our anger to sin, but I feel like the anger towards the abuse is justified. Then I feel guilty and confess it. I feel hopeless and stuck. What do I do?
I Am So Angry At the Narcissist, What Do I Do?
Anger is a natural response in the grief cycle after abuse, so don't worry this is normal and ok! Emotions are inherently good, and as humans, we are called to express them rather than suppress them. After all, God created us and gave us emotions! So how do we use these feelings for our good and the good of others rather than having them destroy us from the inside out?
Narcissists often invalidate your feelings, making you believe they are wrong or don't matter. This belittlement can prevent you from recognizing, naming, and expressing your emotions. Chances are, you probably have never had the opportunity to safely express your emotions or even be able to properly feel them because you were not allowed to feel them. In the narcissists world, only their emotions, perceptions and outbursts matter. In other words - its my way or the highway. This is exhausting, I know!
But there is good news! God wants us to feel, name, process, and express our emotions. He wants to teach us how to handle them correctly, so let's ask Him for help! The word 'emotion' comes from the Latin 'emovere,' meaning to move or stir. Emotions are essentially movements within us—a dynamic force that needs healthy expression. They are good because they motivate us to take action, like fuel to fight the tiger. However, emotions are also messengers; they may not always be true or accurate. They are your body's way of providing data, and sometimes, after abuse, this emotional data can be skewed and needs to be relearned. So, how do we feel our emotions without letting them control us?
The Importance of Expressing Emotions
Emotions are natural and God-given. We are called to express them, not suppress them. Bottling up emotions is not what God wants for us, nor is expressing them in ways that lead to sin. For example, it's okay to be angry—Jesus Himself displayed righteous anger—but it’s essential to channel that anger constructively.
Ephesians 4:26 "Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun set on your anger."
Healthy Ways to Express Emotions
Prayer as a First Step: Start by saying a prayer to invite God's protection and guidance in expressing your emotions. For example: "Jesus, I ask you to protect me and bless me with the courage to express my emotions. Reveal the wounds behind these emotions and heal them. Turn this experience into an opportunity for healing and restoration."
Physical Expression: Find a safe space where you can physically express your anger where you won't harm yourself or others. If you can, do this with a support person who can hold space for you. This could be:
Yelling outdoors, into a pillow, in your car.
Throwing heavy rocks into water.
Writing a letter expressing your feelings and then burning or shredding it.
Engaging in physical activities like hitting a punching bag or running.
Looking into a mirror and expressing with tears, yelling, screaming, jumping, shaking.
Envisioning the rage within you as fire and then the fire coming out of your mouth burning everything in its presence.
Drawing out the colours or images associated with the anger.
Reflection and Prayer: After expressing your anger, close the emotional expression cycle with a prayer. For example: "Thank you, God, for the opportunity to express these feelings of anger. Please turn these feelings into healing opportunities. In the name of Jesus Christ, I renounce any spirit of anger and ask for blessings from the Holy Spirit. Help me to forgive and let go of these emotions, filling my heart with Your love."
Addressing Deeper Wounds
Emotions often hide deeper wounds that need healing. For instance, anger might mask feelings of shame instilled by the narcissist. Reflect on questions like:
Why am I afraid to express this anger?
What deeper wound is this emotion hiding?
What incidents make me feel so angry, what is triggering this anger?
When was a time that I felt angry but I wasn't able to express myself?
Bring these reflections to God in prayer, or discuss them with a spiritual director, counselor, or trusted friend or at Eucharistic adoration. Practice makes perfect and like learning to play a new sport, learning emotions and embracing them and accepting them takes practice :)
If you are plagued by anger, there might be spiritual, demonic influence that is holding you bondage to anger. You can try renouncing this anger and associated wounds in the name of Jesus Christ such as "In the name of Jesus Christ I renounce and spirit of anger, wrath, vengeance, and I replace this with peace, love, truth and the blessings of the Holy Spirit". You may also consider doing Deliverance with a Catholic priest and prayer partner.
Breaking Soul Ties
Narcissistic abusers often make themselves idols in your life and control you by controlling your emotions. Essentially, we have allowed them to influence our emotions and the good news is we can take that power back. Break any unhealthy emotional ties with prayers like: "In the name of Jesus Christ, I break any soul ties with [abuser's name] and replace them with the Holy Spirit. I renounce the lie that they have any power over me and my emotions, and I affirm that God is my true protector and provider and Truth."
Moving Toward Forgiveness
Eventually, as you heal, your anger will transform into empathy for the other person. You'll learn to separate the sin from the sinner and forgive them, recognizing the abusers brokenness. Always pray for your abuser because it is God's love that will help free you from them and heal you both. Ultimately the narcissist is an incredibly wounded person, with possible mental health, and demonic influence.
Practical Steps for Healing
Validate Your Emotions: Acknowledge that your emotions are valid and God-given.
Express Emotions Safely: Find safe ways to express your emotions.
Prayer and Reflection: Use prayer to guide your healing and ask for protection and forgiveness.
Sacraments: Seek healing through the sacraments, like confession and the Eucharist.
Trigger Log: Keep a log of triggers and corresponding emotions to identify deeper wounds.
Conclusion
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey that takes time. Awareness is the first step. By seeking healing and taking these steps, you are already on the path to recovery. Trust in God's love and guidance as you navigate this process and consider joining us in group discussions and support!
