Pursuing a Woman VS Accomplishing Her | Relearning Authentic Masculinity and Femininity
Pursuing a Woman vs. Accomplishing Her |Relearning Holy Pursuit and Authentic Masculinity & Femininity
On our healing journey from dysfunctional, toxic, and narcissistic relationships, we have to relearn what holy pursuit looks like.
What does it mean to be pursued rightly, and to respond rightly, as man and woman, made in the image of God?
This is where authentic masculinity and femininity meet: in reverence, not conquest.
1. Pursuit Is About Reverence; Accomplishment Is About Control
A man who pursues a woman seeks to know her, not to own her.
He approaches her mystery with humility as something sacred, not something to conquer.
To pursue is to move toward, not to possess, but to discover.
To accomplish is to move through, to achieve, check off, and move on.
When a man treats a woman like a project or prize, he’s relating from ego, not from the heart. She becomes a means to affirm his worth, rather than a person to be received as gift.
Spiritual truth:
“Love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor.” — Romans 12:10
To pursue is to honor. To accomplish is to dominate.
2. Pursuit Requires Wonder; Accomplishment Requires Mastery
A healthy masculine pursuit is full of awe. It says, “There is something in you that reflects God, and I want to know that mystery.”
He leads but not as a conqueror. As a servant, like Christ washing His disciples’ feet.
An accomplishing mindset, by contrast, is transactional:
“How do I win her?”
“What do I say to make her choose me?”
“What can I do to prove my value?”
Those questions turn love into a strategy, not a sacred encounter. AND this can become a relationship built on use and utility and not love.
The feminine heart doesn’t respond to tactics; it opens to truth, presence, and integrity and creating a space of safety where she can open up.
In Catholic teaching, pursuit mirrors Christ’s love for the Church:
He didn’t conquer her. He laid His life down for her.
That is pursuit: sacrificial love in motion.
3. Pursuit Invites; Accomplishment Demands
When a man is pursuing rightly, he invites a woman into safety, curiosity, and delight.
She can rest in his presence because he isn’t rushing her story.
He gives her time to reveal her heart and his steady consistency earns her trust.
But when a man’s energy is about accomplishment, she feels rushed, analyzed, or “sold to.” She may feel pressured, especially on chastity or boundaries. And this is where narcissists thrive, is making you feel rushed and pressured.
He wants to close the deal, not build the connection.
That kind of energy makes a woman tense, because deep down, she senses that she’s being pursued for what she represents, not for who she is.
Real pursuit gives space for God to lead the story.
Accomplishment tries to replace God as the author of it.
4. Pursuit Is Rooted in Vocation; Accomplishment in Validation
The man who pursues from a place of vocation sees the relationship as something holy and as a possible calling to love and serve one woman in covenant with God.
He isn’t trying to prove his worth, he’s expressing it through self-gift.
But a man who “accomplishes” women (even subtly) is looking for validation.
He treats connection as performance, “If she chooses me, I matter.”
That’s not love; that’s a wound speaking and that is built on USING her for her own needs.
The more healed a man becomes, the more his pursuit flows from mission, not need.
He knows who he is in Christ and from that wholeness, he invites rather than hunts.
5. The Feminine Response: Receptivity, Not Passivity
A healthy woman doesn’t want to be conquered, she doesn't want to be THE MISSION; she wants to be seen, chosen, and cherished, and INVITED into his mission in life with God.
When she feels pursued in a Christ-like way, she naturally opens in trust and warmth.
But when she feels “targeted,” she closes to protect her dignity and feels unsafe.
Women are like a delicate flower that need to be cultivated and not trampled.
Authentic pursuit awakens the feminine.
Transactional pursuit numbs it and closes her off to it.
6. God’s Model of Pursuit
God is the perfect pursuer.
He knocks gently, never forcing the door (Revelation 3:20). If He was aggressive and posessive, this would not be love (which is freely, like an invitation)
He initiates, but waits for consent.
He offers love that invites freedom, not submission by pressure.
Human pursuit, when sanctified, imitates that divine pattern.
It’s not about achieving a “yes,” but creating a space where love can be freely given.
What Does Holy Pursuit Look Like as a Woman?
Many women who’ve survived narcissistic relationships struggle to understand what our side of holy pursuit looks like.
We’ve been taught that to be feminine means to be passive or to prove ourselves through striving.
But holy femininity pursues differently.
The woman’s pursuit is not through chasing but through cooperation with grace.
She doesn’t chase a man; she chases God’s will.
She makes herself open, radiant, receptive, not to just any attention, but to divine direction.
Here’s what holy pursuit looks like in her heart:
She Pursues God First
She’s not waiting to be chosen she’s already chosen by God.
She fills her life with His presence and becomes a woman of prayer, purpose, and peace.
Her pursuit of holiness naturally attracts the kind of man who recognizes her worth.
“Seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you.” — Matthew 6:33
She Lives in Discernment, Not Desperation
She doesn’t chase chemistry or potential; she watches fruit. She is watchful of ACTION over words and empty promises.
She looks for peace, not performance.
She observes action and consistency, not empty promises and love bombing
Her question becomes: “Does his pursuit draw me closer to God, or farther away in a good and holy way?”
She Responds, She Doesn’t Perform
The holy woman doesn’t audition for love.
She responds to pursuit with grace, honesty, and boundaries.
She becomes more open and receptive to his pursuit and allows him to pursue her, get to know her more.
If a man’s pursuit is healthy, she mirrors it in trust; if it’s unhealthy, she steps back in peace.
She is allowed to move slow in her discernment and doesn't feel rushed and he respects her NO
4. She Practices Purity of Intention
Her heart isn’t manipulating, testing, or controlling.
She doesn’t play games to gain attention.
She invites clarity through honesty and prayer.
She knows her worth and doesn’t need to prove it.
5. She Builds, Not Consumes
She pursues communion, not consumption.
She prays for the man she admires instead of trying to possess him.
She invites God into the timing, trusting that His plan will unfold without force.
She brings and discerns the relationship with God, asking Him what his thoughts are because she realizes she is naturally submissive to authority and the possibly wrong masculine authority.
Reflection
If you’re a man:
Pursue her with the same reverence you would approach the Eucharist: with awe, patience, and humility.
Your goal isn’t to “win” her heart; it’s to be worthy of it.
Don’t conquer her; cover her with safety, consistency, and prayer.
If you’re a woman:
Don’t confuse charm or effort with genuine pursuit.
A man who is pursuing you out of love will give you peace, not pressure.
You’ll know it’s holy pursuit when you can still breathe, think, and feel closer to God in his presence.
