What is Love? Catholic Healing After Narcissistic Abuse?
Truth bomb - if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, 99% of the time your parent or primary care giver was one too...
In the journey of narcissistic abuse recovery, our adult relationships often serve as mirrors reflecting the attachment styles we developed as children with our primary caregivers, from whom we are originally exposed to narcissistic abuse. When you don't know that the love you received is disordered, it's not surprising that you may end up in a relationship and tolerate someone who is abusive.
These styles, forged during our formative years, offer a glimpse into the wounds we carry—those places where love was lacking or distorted. It's essential to recognize that this isn't our parents' fault; we all inherit the burden of original sin, making it impossible for anyone to love us perfectly.
As adults, we have the opportunity to invite the Holy Family—Mary, Joseph, and Jesus—to re-parent us with divine love and guide us toward healthy attachment styles. Why? Because this is the perfect image of healthy family love.
The Root of Unhealthy Attachments
Our early experiences of love shape our attachment styles. What are attachment styles? Attachment style refers to the way individuals form emotional bonds and relate to others, particularly in intimate relationships. These styles are typically developed in early childhood based on interactions with primary caregivers and can influence how individuals approach relationships throughout their lives. There are four main attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, secure, and disordered. We wont dive into the details of them here and will in another blog post.
Ideally, we seek a secure attachment style, knowing that we are loved perfectly just as we are designed to be. However, if we were raised by an emotionally abusive individual or have experienced narcissistic abuse, our understanding of love is so twisted. So where do we learn what perfect love is?
God is Perfect love
God's love serves as the cornerstone here; He loves us exactly as we are meant to be loved. It's crucial to understand that it's not our partner's responsibility to love us perfectly or fulfill all our needs, as this is an impossible task and can only be fulfilled by God because He is perfect love.
The Danger of Idolizing Our Partners
Seeking ultimate peace, comfort, and resolution of inner turmoil from our partners can lead to idolatry. We may unknowingly project our deep longing for Jesus's perfect love onto our partner, expecting them to provide what only God can. In reality, we are designed to find this complete love in God, not in another human being. This can lead into very disordered love and abusive love.
Returning to a Secure Attachment Style
God's desire is to lead us back to a secure attachment style, but healing is necessary to address past wounds. This may involve revisiting moments when we were parented incorrectly, such as experiencing harsh discipline as a child. Healing entails allowing Jesus into these moments, absorbing His perfect love, and letting go of the pain.
The Role of the Right Partner
The right partner will help you embrace your authentic masculinity or femininity. They encourage you to draw closer to God and be your true self. Conversely, the wrong partner may lead you away from God, focusing on their needs and desires. They might blame you for their inner conflicts and emotional challenges, creating an environment where you feel like you have to walk on eggshells.
The Correct Path
A healthy relationship should draw you closer to God, not just to your partner. The thing about a relationship with a narc, is that it is a disordered love characterized by manipulation, exploitation, and self-centeredness. In a narcissistic relationship, the narc prioritizes their own needs, desires, and ego above all else, often at the expense of their partner's well-being and autonomy. This is not what you deserve. God on the other hand is perfect love. He is the ultimate healer, and the Holy Family provides a perfect model of divine love and spousal relationship.
Learning from the Holy Family
Mary: Mary is often regarded as the epitome of selflessness, humility, and obedience. She willingly accepted God's plan for her life, despite the challenges and uncertainties it presented. Mary's unwavering faith and devotion to God served as a foundation for the Holy Family's love and unity. She nurtured Jesus with tenderness and care, embodying the qualities of a loving mother who prioritizes the well-being of her family above all else.
Joseph: Joseph demonstrated exemplary love through his commitment to Mary and Jesus. Despite initially facing doubts and uncertainties about Mary's pregnancy, Joseph chose to trust in God's plan and remained steadfast in his support for Mary and Jesus. He protected and provided for his family, embodying qualities of strength, responsibility, and selflessness. Joseph's obedience to God's will and his role as a faithful husband and father exemplify orderly love within the family unit.
Jesus: Jesus, as the Son of God, embodied perfect love in its fullest sense. He preached love, compassion, and forgiveness throughout His ministry, teaching His disciples to love one another as He loved them. Jesus demonstrated unconditional love by sacrificing Himself for the salvation of humanity, exemplifying selflessness, humility, and compassion. His teachings and actions serve as a model for familial love, emphasizing the importance of self-sacrifice, forgiveness, and unconditional acceptance within the family unit.
Conclusion:
Healing broken attachment styles and cultivating heavenly relationships is a profound journey. By inviting the Holy Family into our lives, we can re-parent ourselves with divine love and discover the security that comes from God's unwavering affection. The right partner will walk beside us on this path, guiding us closer to our authentic selves and to the ultimate source of love—God.
